FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ARE you tired of those pesky people, those of "We the People" fame (or infamy), actually demanding ethical journalism? Are YOU tired of these so-called "people" demanding ALL the facts on issues and events? (Like they could handle it) Are you TIRED of "the people" actually believing they have a voice in the decision making process?
We here at Hacks R Us understand that as a VIIPM (Very Important Inner-Party member) you have agendas to implement. We understand that you must be able to move fast, with minimum pushback. We understand that (some) facts just muddy the waters and make it that much harder to carry out your ALLIMPORTANT plans. But most of all, we totally and completely understand that YOU KNOW BEST.
That is why we strive to hire only the most cooperative "journalists" We screen our prospective "reporters" for any signs of honesty and independence, and we do extensive psychological testing before hiring to insure that our writers are more interested in advancing your agenda, and their careers, than in actually reporting all the relevant facts for a given issue. Just listen to some of our satisfied clients referring to some of our current employees:
Ken Starr on Susan Schmidt (WP/HRU): "Sue was great!!. We just gave her the copy and she ran with it, no questions asked. We never could have kept the store open for all those years without her".
Cheney/Rumsfeld on Judith Miller (NYT/HRU): "Wow! We can't say enough good things about Judy. She was instrumental in lending credibility to all the bogus stories and outright lies we used to sell the unnecessary invasion of Iraq. That part about the mysterious guy with the baseball cap pointing at the ground was priceless!".
Unnamed administration official on Bob Novak (CNN/WP/HRU): "What can you say about Bob. When we went to him to help us expose an undercover CIA operative working on WMD issues after 911 we didn't actually think he would do it. But Bob came through for us. He's really a star at HRU. The guy would sell his own mother if it served his masters. I mean that in a good way of course".
And our latest addition:
Ed Rendell on Peter Jackson (AP/HRU): "Peter Jackson and HRU really delivers. We actually got him to write a story that said our anointed pick for the 2006 US Senate race didn't have a primary challenger, even though this guy who was challenging him had a political history, had filed with the FEC, raised money and had even contacted the AP prior to the story being written. Good work!".
So whatever your goals are, from starting unnecessary wars to fixing elections, HRU is there to help. We promise to do our best to grease the skids and make your ALLIMPORTANT plans, whatever they are, come to fruition. Feel free to contact our sales force using the contact info below.
apreuterscnncbsabcnbcnytwpetalhacks@corporatemedia.hell 1-666-666-666
HRU is currently a subsidiary of the US Corporate Umbrella Group, but expects to be integrated into the new Ministry of Truth soon to be created by the US Congress. Ed
MC
